Second Chance At ME

I'm getting my moxie back…

So Far, So Good…

…and I, for one, am totally shocked to admit it.

Jack and I are trucking along just fine.  Sure, we have had our arguments (and maybe one considered a blow-out), but the important part is we talked through it.  Like adults.  Amazing, right??  Who knew Jack was capable of an adult relationship.

That’s not to say we don’t have still issues.  The Sister-in-Law still won’t communicate with me, or be in the same room as me.  Nothing that is said by anybody can change that.  I am beginning to feel like I am back in high school with this one.

Because of the issue with SIL, I still haven’t seen anyone else in Jack’s extended family.  Not because they don’t want to see me, but because I am not ready.  I just really want to make sure we are solid before we add in potentially negative happenings.

But, as I type this, Jack and I are phenomenal.

 

 

For the select few that know me personally, Please don’t share any revealing info.

I have a brother that is in jail. 

My brother is most likely looking at spending the best years of his life in jail-I’m guessing he will get out when he is in his fifties.  And he is younger than me.

What did my brother do?

He beat up his girlfriend.  Well, ex-girlfriend.  She had just broken up with him.

This wasn’t my brother’s first time.  It was his fourth.  The fourth girl he had beat up.  Did this girl know about his history? Nope.  I was no longer in contact with my brother (let’s call him Aaron) when he started dating this last one.  I didn’t even know he was dating.  If I did, I would have informed her.  I believe an abuser will never change.

Coming from an abusive marriage, I DO NOT tolerate abuse of any kind.  After Aaron beat up the first girl, I didn’t talk to him for a year.  He called me often, but I had to come to terms with it on my own.  A week or two (literally) after I started talking to him again, he was back in jail for beating up his second girlfriend.

Each time he was released, he would skip out on his required counseling and therapy sessions.  The DA constantly tried to put him back in jail for failure to obey his probation, but she was always denied.  I guess the courts had better things to do than go after woman-beaters.

After two more instances, the courts are finally willing to listen to the DA.  Aaron has been in jail now for a year.  The trial has yet to begin-the Public Defender has requested a continuance for the last ten months.  The trial is actually set to start next month, and it is about fucking time.

This whole situation has stressed me out.  I want the trial to be OVER, and I want Aaron given the maximum amount of time possible.

I have had no contact with Aaron in years.  He asks my mom about me constantly, and she has been given direct orders to not discuss me at all.  I don’t want him to know anything about me, or my life. 

I lived through abuse-some from him, and a lot through my ex-husband.  I don’t want it in my life.  I worked hard to get rid of the negativity from my life.  I don’t want it back.

Lately, I have really struggled with my relationship with Aaron.  I have no desire to have any contact with him, so that’s not the issue.  But the fact I am stressed about this trial-which isn’t even in my state-is bothering me.

I really, really, want to call the DA and ask if there is anything I can do to keep Aaron in jail as long as possible. 

Why?

Aaron has been writing my mom, and keeps maintaining that ALL OF THIS is not his fault.  No way, no how.  Aaron kidnapped his ex-girlfriend.  He held her hostage for 14 hours.  He stomped on her so hard he left his shoe imprint on her skin.  But it’s not his fault. 

All together, Aaron is facing 7 counts.  Possibly more.  He has been indicted by a grand jury.  He has even turned down a deal by the DA-seven years, with 4 years suspended (or on probation).  He honestly believes he is not at fault for everything.  If found guilty, which I am 100% sure he will be, He is facing over 25 years.  And every ounce of my being hopes he gets it.

I want nothing more than to call the DA and offer my assistance.  I want to ask her if her case is solid.  I want to take the stand against my brother. 

How bad of a person does that make me?

I can’t decide.

 

On a lighter note!

For your music selection, I am playing the following song.  Someone asked me the other day if I have changed my stance on marriage.  I yelled a resounding ‘FUCK NO’.  As much as I love Jack, I still am not willing to give up the freedoms I have as an unmarried woman.  As much as some of you right now are thinking  she just hasn’t met the right man! I assure you, you are wrong. 

Maybe someday, but definitely not now.  And Jack is A-OK with that.

 

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It’s Been Too Long…

Hello my Lovelies!

I am aware that my hiatus has taken far too long.  FAR TOO LONG.  But before I get into the story of me, I want to stop and pay homage to a true American hero.  (This is my blog, my views.  You don’t have to agree with them, like them, share them.  However, I am lucky enough to live in a country where I am free to express my feelings.  Please keep negative comments away-I will delete them.)

For those who were readers of my last blog, I mentioned my friend Seal numerous times.  Seal and I are still great friends.  He called on an almost weekly basis from his tour overseas.  He has been strength for me when I have needed it.  His friendship means more to me than I can even put into words.

For those who aren’t past readers, Seal and I met at a tactical medic course several years ago.  As his nickname implies, Seal was part of a very elite group of men.  I say was, because he is no longer.

Throughout my friendship with Seal, I have met several more amazing men.  I have to be honest, at the time I met most of them, all I thought about was how they made beautiful eye candy.  Do you watch Hawaii 5-0?  Have you admired Alex O’Laughlin’s muscles?  They all seriously look like that.  Ser-ee-ous-lee.  Anyways…

Throughout his deployment, I constantly got phone calls and e-mails about injuries and/or deaths of some of the guys I have met.  I started losing sleep over Seal’s life, health, and probability of returning home.  I googled the stories of these deaths.  I became almost obsessed with checking EVERY DAY to make sure the guys I cared about were still alive. 

So imagine my surprise when he called me the other day, when he is safe and sound back at home with his wife and children, to tell me another one had died.

I never met Chris Kyle.  I read his book, American Sniper, and highly recommend it.  Seal has always talked very highly of him, and I always enjoyed his stories.  Seal knew Chris professionally and personally.  I only knew him through Seal’s stories.

Listening to Seal’s voice break brought tears to my eyes.  When my friends hurt, I hurt.  I have been pretty down about this news the last couple of days.  And I am thoroughly disgusted over the backlash over Chris Kyle’s death.  Whether you are pro-gun or anti-gun, pro-war or anti-war, the death of a veteran should never be celebrated.  This was a guy who risked his life to fight because his country asked him to, no other reason.  He made it home safe, only to die where he should have felt safe.  

Just tragic.

 

 

As for how I am, I am doing pretty well!

Jack and I are still seeing each other, but we have been moving vvveeeeeerrrrrrrryyyyyyyy slow.  Very slow.  He had a talk with his daughter, and told her to either play ball or move out, which I never expected him to do.  I have yet to see his extended family-there has been some drama/issues/whatever you want to call it with his sister-in-law.  Apparently she has decided that since he broke up with me once, there is no reason  for us to be dating now.  So therefore she makes it known that I am not invited whenever she hosts a holiday, a party, or whatever.  This puts Jack in a very difficult place.  It puts me in a very difficult place.

Jack split the Christmas holiday between his family and me.  His sister-in-law hosted a birthday dinner for him, which I was not invited to.  Jack was set to ignore his family on both occasions, but I wouldn’t allow him to do that.  I never want to be the cause of a fall-out between him and his family.

His mother has tried talking to the sister-in-law, but to no avail.  She is set on the fact that since we broke up once, we won’t last.  So there is no need to integrate me into the family.

Everyone else is A-OK with us dating, but I haven’t seen any of them yet, either.  Jack, nor I, want to rush into anything this time around.  I want to make sure that he and I are strong and solid before we add family back into the mix.  Jack agrees, especially with the new issue with the sister-in-law.

Jack has decided to start hosting the holiday meals-which he has never done in the past.  However, his thought process is that if he hosts, he can invite whomever he damn well pleases.  And if people don’t like it, they don’t have to come. 

So we will see.

Jack has done much better with communication-telling me when he is happy, sad, etc.  He often tells me how lucky he is that I gave him a second chance.  He tells me that he loves me.  He tells me he is in this for the long haul.  He has worked his ass off to try to prove that he deserves this chance, and has done a pretty good job of it so far.

I’m not going to lie, the sister-in-law issue has me perplexed, worried, bothered, etc.  If I had done something to her, then I could understand her issue with me,  But because Jack and I are giving us a second chance?  It just doesn’t make sense.

So for now, we are avoiding his family.  The next time it will even be an issue is Easter-and even then that’s a maybe.  The kids and I may decide to travel instead.

Because I am on a Bob Seger kick lately-

Another Second Chance?

The good thing about being skittish-and afraid of another broken heart-is that I am incredibly attuned to bullshit.

So Jack finally admitted a few things to me.

It seems his precious daughter, the one I have always thought had an issue with me, decided to tell his family several lies about me for a couple months prior to us breaking up.  She said I gave her dirty looks, made snide comments, and was plotting to get her out of the house so I could move in.

None of which are true.  In all actuality, we often would have discussions about how her day was, etc.  When Jack finally admitted this, I was completely blindsided.

And fucking pissed.

No wonder his mom had been acting different around me.

I asked Jack what he planned on doing about this situation.  His response?  Nothing.  His lame-ass excuse is that he doesn’t want her to know how much her lies affected him.

I whole-heartedly disagree.  I think she needs to be made responsible for her actions.  I think she should go to her family and tell them she lied, and then she should apologize to me.  I also think that if she did it to me once, she will do it again.  Especially if she isn’t called on her bullshit.  I think he also needs to nip this in the bud now, because if she did it to me, ‘The Best Thing That Ever Happened To Him’, she will do it to another woman in his life.  I’m tired of battling with a 22 year-old.  I don’t want to deal with this the rest of my life.  There are several other small issues as well, but they are minor compared to this.

Am I wrong?  Do I need to let him handle this on his own?

I am not sure if I have a right to be as pissed off as I am.

Calvin has made another entrance.  I didn’t hear from him for a week-and he said he wanted to let me recover from my concussion and spend the holiday with my children in peace.  I’m not sure if I completely buy that, but Calvin is not a very forward person.  So maybe.

We have been texting/talking a lot.  He keeps mentioning how he wants to see me again, but hasn’t actually asked for a date.  All I know is I enjoying spending time with him.  He makes me laugh.  He makes me feel good.  He is an amazing guy.  There is just no spark.

Can a spark grow?  People tell me it can.

If I am honest with myself, I pushed Calvin to the side when Jack came back into the picture.  I dismissed him because we didn’t have a spark.  And because I wanted to see what happened with Jack.  I’m a bitch.

I have decided, however, that if Calvin does ask for another date, I am going to go.  I feel a little guilty-but this issue with Jack isn’t going to go away.  Every time I try to talk with him about it, something else always gets in the way.  Not really the actions of a man who is totally in love with me.

I do feel a bit like a cheater. My roommate, Will, is working hard to convince me that I am not.  I just want this shit with Jack resolved, one way or another.  But he isn’t giving me the time to resolve it.  And I am not really OK with being put on hold.

Thoughts?  I’m not even sure why I am so on the fence about all of this!

I’ve played this before, but I love it 🙂

Feast Or Famine

First off, I have to apologize for my lack of posts-especially because so much has been going on lately.

Last week my car tried to kill me.  I think legitly tried to kill me.  The hydraulics failed on my rear door and came down on my head.  I was nauseated, my vision was affected.  I had to go to the hospital!  I have a minor concussion.  Nothing major, but damn if I didn’t sleep the week away!  So if this (what will winding up being a long) post is a little disjointed, I am sorry in advance.

I am not sure how to even start writing about this!  My love life has become a made-for-TV Lifetime movie.  For reals.  Feast or famine.  Feast.  Or.  Famine.

I’m currently in the feast phase.

Let’s start with the more insignificant guys.  I realize how horrible that sounds, but I speak truth.

1. Steve-Steve keeps making entrances and exits.  I really see him as a boy toy, and that’s it.  He serves a very specific purpose.  The last time I saw him?  Weeks ago.  The last few days he has been trying like hell to come over-even to the point where he called drunkenly at midnight the other night.  I think I am going to have to have a ‘come to Jesus’ meeting with him.

2. M-M.  Where do I begin with M?  He shows his douchebaggery on a regular basis.  I told him that I have no desire to continue forward with anything.  I can’t handle his bi-polar behavior.  I still occasionally gets texts from him, asking to come over.  I respond to each one the same-NO.  I’m not his whore-I do not spread my legs when he snaps his fingers.  That is what he wants in a relationship.  I am in charge of my own sexuality.  I get laid when I want to get laid.  M and I have not had a physical relationship in a long time.  It’s not my fault he passed me over all that time ago.

3. Calvin-I actually have a really hard time with Calvin.  He is an amazing guy…he really is!  There is just no spark.  I saw Calvin a few more times.  I finally asked him if he was interested in me.  He never made a move to kiss me.  He never even made a move to hold my hand.  NOTHING.  He came over one night last week, the night before my car initiated her ‘Kill Kathrynn’ plan.  We consumed A LOT of alcohol.  He still made no move.  We consumed even MORE alcohol.  Still didn’t make a move.  I asked him to kiss me.  Still didn’t make a move.  He had to spend the night because he was too drunk to drive.  Once he was in my bed, he made a move.  I went with it-I needed to see if something was there-if it was worth continuing.  The sex was good, but it wasn’t great.  And afterwards, it felt like I had sex with a fuck-buddy.  I think he felt the same way, because once he felt better, he drove home.  We have texted a few times.  He checked up on me a few times after I got home from the hospital.  He has mentioned maybe seeing me again.  I was open to it, because he is so great, but we haven’t talked in a few days.  And I am not sure I want to change that.  It makes me feel like shit that I couldn’t get into him.  I just gave up expensive dinners, great vacations, etc.  However, money can’t buy happiness.  Or a spark.

4. Jack-Jack, Jack, Jack.

Jack.

After I got out of the emergency room with my head injury, it was time to meet Jack.  I thought about postponing the meeting, but I just wanted to get it done and over with.  I wasn’t dressed up.  I didn’t have on make-up.  I went, and I was just me.

I got to the restaurant before him, and had a seat.  I needed that few minutes to center my chi.  When he walked in the door, he seemed genuinely surprised to see me, and said as much when he walked over.  He said he expected me to stand him up-as he deserved it.  I agreed he deserved it, but that was not my nature.  In order to avoid this being a 20-page long post, let me bullet point this a little bit:

  • He said he was OK with breaking up with me.  He wanted the alone time, and he got it.
  • He thought he wanted to date other women.  When given the opportunity, he couldn’t take it.
  • The last few weeks, he has been miserable.  When he is doing something, he realizes it would be more fun with me there.
  • He stopped smoking pot because he knew I didn’t like it.
  • He feels like a piece of him is missing.  A big piece.
  • He didn’t realize how much he loves me until I wasn’t there anymore.
  • When I deleted him from my life, he was so hurt-and he couldn’t figure out why until recently.
  • He will spend every day, the rest of our days, making everything up to me.
  • If it would help, he would get on his knees in front of the entire restaurant begging me to take him back.
  • He loves me.  He loves me he loves me he loves me.
  • He is so sorry.  So sorry so sorry so sorry.

As he talked, I just listened.  He said he feels like he is pouring his heart out, and he is doing it two weeks to late.

I nodded, and told him I had a few dates with someone else.  I told him if this would’ve happened three weeks ago, I would’ve fallen into his arms.  I told him he violated my trust, and I don’t know what he has to do to make up for that.

He asked for the chance.  All he asked for was a chance to show me that things would be different.  He promised to communicate with me , tell me what is on his mind.  Jack just wanted the chance.

And I said OK, you can have that chance.  I missed him, I love him. He is still the last person I think about when I go to bed, and is the first person I think about when I wake up in the morning.  So I said OK.

I’ve seen him a couple of times.  We have not had sex.  We have not had overnights.  He has stopped by my house to check up on me.  He calls every day.  He is going to the food pantry with me on Thursday to sort and give out food.  We are going to have a ‘romantic’ evening next Wednesday-as it is the next day that neither of us have kids.

I have to say that I am cautiously optimistic.  Of course, I still get nagging feelings about him leaving, and I think that is just going to take some time.  But we are going slow.  I am making sure to still take care of me.  I am excited about going back to school, about my committment to my high school girls.  I’m remembering that he is there because I want him there, not because he wants me there.  And for now, that is going to be the way it is.

However, I think this next year just may hold a lot of promise for us.  If it does, then I will be just fine with that.  If it doesn’t, and we break up next month, I am just fine with that as well.  At least I will know, and I can say I tried.

They Always Come Back Part II

Last night:

Calvin: It sounds like your ex (Jack) had a mid-life crisis.  I bet he tries to come back.

Me: Yeah, I’m sure he will try.

At 9:30 this morning, my phone rings.  It’s a number I don’t recognize, and I decided to answer.

Me: Hello?

Voice on the other side: Please just hear me out.  Don’t hang up.  Please.

Guess who it was.  I didn’t respond, didn’t say anything.  And Jack started talking.  He told me he made a mistake.  Told me he was miserable.  Told me he that he knew he was a complete jackass to me.  Told me he didn’t deserve to see me, talk to me, tell me how he feels.  And I sat in silence.

He asked if I was seeing someone, and I told him I was.  He asked if we could please meet for a drink-to just talk.  He says he has more he needs to say, and he is sure I have things I want to say.  He tentatively set up a time and place to meet tomorrow, and if I show I show.  If I don’t I don’t.

And I don’t know what I am going to do.  I won’t lie-I love him.  Still.  I miss him.  And three weeks ago, I would have gladly jumped at this opportunity.  But now?  I don’t want to go through all of this again.

There are very specific  things that would have to happen in order for me to even consider dating him again.  And I bet anything that he won’t be willing to do them.

But I am going to meet him.  I will be dressed to the NINES.  I will tell him how he made me feel.  And I will turn and walk away.

It will have to be up to him to see if he is willing to fight for me or not.

 

Second Meeting

Because I had a good time talking to that guy the other night, I agreed to a second meeting.  I knew not to expect sparks.  I knew he wasn’t romantically interested in me.  What I did know was we had easy conversation and a lot of laughs.  So I was game.

We had a really great time.  We played bocce ball.  We laughed and talked.  We discussed our pasts and our hopes for our respective futures.  We were out for seven hours.  Seven!  Several times he referred to our night as a ‘date’.  He talked of other places he wants to go.

And I find myself excited to do them…

Still going slow.  We haven’t held hands, we haven’t kissed.  There has been no physical contact except for a hug at the end of the second ‘date’. But I find myself smiling, even laughing, at the text messages he sends.  I realize I can’t wait to see what he comes up with to do next.  I like the way I feel when we are spending time together.

He even admitted that he wants to go slow.  I am glad we are on the same page.

Damn…I said I wouldn’t date until after the holidays.  Now what?!?

Now he needs a name.  Let’s call him Calvin-I love that comic, and this guy makes me laugh.

I just love this song:

I Let My Friend Talk Me Into WHAT??

So on my last post I self-admitted that I have been isolating myself.  I’m not proud of that fact, but it is what it is.  Well, Molly had had enough with my pouting and downtrodden-ness.

So she set me up on a date.

When I told her that I had no desire to go on a date until the new year, she shushed me.  She actually fucking shushed me.  She explained that I need to get out of the house, realize that their are other guys except Jack.  She said this was a no pressure affair-all I was required to do was have a drink.

So I went.  Did I look great?  Not really.  She must’ve warned him, because he showed up in jeans, a shirt, and a ball cap.  He introduced himself, we had a seat, ordered beer, and started talking.  And laughing.

Before I knew it, chairs were being flipped on top of tables.  We had talked for FIVE HOURS.

I felt no spark.  He is an attractive guy, has a great job, can take care of himself twelve times over.  Maybe I wasn’t receptive to feeling a spark.  Maybe I just made an awesome new friend.

We have texted a few times today, and he has mentioned he wants to see me again.
It could be a lot of fun.

MIA-No Internet!!

I’m so sorry that I have been out of action.  The roommate and I are in the process of changing Internet providers, so I have been without for the last week.  I have the WordPress app on my phone-but I think it sucks.  So I am sitting in Starbucks-drinking the orgasmic taste of their seasonal Salted Caramel Hot Chocolate-writing to you.

Your welcome.

During the course of many moments of my life, shit happens that is so completely random, I expect Ashton Kutcher to run out of the bushes yelling ‘You’ve been Punked!!’  Alas, it has not happened.  So I will share with you.

I have been feeling pretty low.  To the point where I have been isolating for a bit, trying to figure out some going-ons in my life.  The other day I received a call from my friend Molly, telling me Jack is on an Internet dating website.  And he is on a website that tells you how long he has been on there.  Since the day after we broke up.  Fucker didn’t wait long at all.  After all of that talk about how he wasn’t ready to date-blah blah blah-he gets on the Internet.  Apparently he is looking for his ‘better half’.  What the fuck ever.

So I finally deleted him from my life.  From my phone, from Facebook.  Just GONE.

Wouldn’t you know it-Jack texted last night asking why we weren’t friends anymore.

E-fucking-scuse me??

I ignored it.  He kept texting, saying that I deleted him just to get a reaction out of him.  He thought we would remain friends.  Etc etc etc.  This went on for a few moments.  I texted back, said I didn’t appreciate him attacking my character, stop being mean, and to please leave me alone.  Last text from him?  I’m not mean.

I slept like a baby last night.  I bet he laid awake wondering what the hell just happened.  Good riddance.  I deserve WAY better than to be attacked by someone who knows me.  And to think I cried over this fucking DOUCHEBAG for weeks.

Can you tell that I am frustrated and pissed?  I need yoga.

M and I had a talk the other day.  I told him that I can’t trust him, and I don’t want to date him.  (However, I want to stay on his good side because he is back to fixing my car!  I’m poor-can’t give that up.)  I care for him deeply-I do.  It’s been three and a half years, and we always manage to come back together.  But I am of the mindset that he needs to prove some things to me-and I know he will never do it.  I could ramble about him for pages.  But long story short-arms distance, walls, not willing.

I just can’t do guy drama right now.

Driving Me Crazy

Guys drive me absolutely up the fucking wall.  I swear, if I could do what it takes to be gay, I would become a switch hitter.  But I can’t, so to crazy town I go.  I think I may have caught the express train.

I haven’t seen Jack in quite some time.  His family was amazing to me for the time I was involved with their lives.  Especially his sister-in-law.  I needed to create boundaries for myself to help get over this heartbreak of mine, but I felt so guilty for just crossing the SIL out of my life.  But I also knew it was necessary.  So, I sat and wrote her an email.  I thanked her for being amazing to me, told her that I needed to be able to move on, etc.  I thought it was a very nicely worded letter.  Of course, she shared it with Jack’s brother, who shared it with Jack…

…who called me the next day.

I want to make this as short as possible, so I will just say that Jack didn’t appreciate my nice gesture.

I am so tired for feeling like I have to apologize for being…well…me.  So I stopped.  He said what he felt like I needed to say.  I stayed quiet.  He told me to not message anyone else in his family, and that was the end of the conversation (that got dragged out for forty minutes).  When Jack broke up with me, he blamed everything on himself.  It is safe to say that all of the blame has shifted on to me.  How long before it shifts back?!?

Jack sent me a text the next day, telling me to have a god day.  Umm…what??

The other man driving me crazy is M.  He keeps asking me for a date.  Just one date, Kathrynn.  Just one.  And afterwards, if you want me to leave you alone, I will.  I still haven’t said yes.  It isn’t news to anyone that I have always had a soft spot for M.  Even with the bullshit we have been through, I have a soft spot.  And I hate that I do.  This is one man that can really hurt me, and I have been hurt enough.

So I haven’t said yes.  I’m a little concerned, however, that I haven’t said no.

But, I am digging this ME time.  And it doesn’t hurt that I had some more Steve time!

Nothing Really New

For once I can say I have nothing totally new to report!  I have been getting everything together for grad school.  Cleaning my house.  Going through old recipes.  I have been pretty boring!

M has texted a few times, but I have ignored him.  I think he may have gotten the hint.

I saw Jack the other day because my car wouldn’t start.  I went though my contacts, and he was the only one that answered.  He drove to where I was, helped me get everything taken care of, and followed me home to make sure I was safe.  After all of that, I invited him in for a drink.

We talked a little bit, and he said he has been a little miserable since our break-up.  I reiterated that our break-up was the best thing that has happened to my professional life.  We then made some small talk.  I walked him out to his car, gave him a hug, and he gave me a kiss on the cheek.

I will be honest, I wanted to tackle him, rip his clothes off, and use him until I was finished.  I know he wanted the same thing.  But I just can’t.  I love him, and I don’t want the emotions back.

Funny enough, Steve texted later in the day and asked to see me.  I turned him down.  I am not sure why-but I did.

Me time.

And is it just me, or is she totally hot dressed as the boxer??

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