MIA-No Internet!!

I’m so sorry that I have been out of action.  The roommate and I are in the process of changing Internet providers, so I have been without for the last week.  I have the WordPress app on my phone-but I think it sucks.  So I am sitting in Starbucks-drinking the orgasmic taste of their seasonal Salted Caramel Hot Chocolate-writing to you.

Your welcome.

During the course of many moments of my life, shit happens that is so completely random, I expect Ashton Kutcher to run out of the bushes yelling ‘You’ve been Punked!!’  Alas, it has not happened.  So I will share with you.

I have been feeling pretty low.  To the point where I have been isolating for a bit, trying to figure out some going-ons in my life.  The other day I received a call from my friend Molly, telling me Jack is on an Internet dating website.  And he is on a website that tells you how long he has been on there.  Since the day after we broke up.  Fucker didn’t wait long at all.  After all of that talk about how he wasn’t ready to date-blah blah blah-he gets on the Internet.  Apparently he is looking for his ‘better half’.  What the fuck ever.

So I finally deleted him from my life.  From my phone, from Facebook.  Just GONE.

Wouldn’t you know it-Jack texted last night asking why we weren’t friends anymore.

E-fucking-scuse me??

I ignored it.  He kept texting, saying that I deleted him just to get a reaction out of him.  He thought we would remain friends.  Etc etc etc.  This went on for a few moments.  I texted back, said I didn’t appreciate him attacking my character, stop being mean, and to please leave me alone.  Last text from him?  I’m not mean.

I slept like a baby last night.  I bet he laid awake wondering what the hell just happened.  Good riddance.  I deserve WAY better than to be attacked by someone who knows me.  And to think I cried over this fucking DOUCHEBAG for weeks.

Can you tell that I am frustrated and pissed?  I need yoga.

M and I had a talk the other day.  I told him that I can’t trust him, and I don’t want to date him.  (However, I want to stay on his good side because he is back to fixing my car!  I’m poor-can’t give that up.)  I care for him deeply-I do.  It’s been three and a half years, and we always manage to come back together.  But I am of the mindset that he needs to prove some things to me-and I know he will never do it.  I could ramble about him for pages.  But long story short-arms distance, walls, not willing.

I just can’t do guy drama right now.

Driving Me Crazy

Guys drive me absolutely up the fucking wall.  I swear, if I could do what it takes to be gay, I would become a switch hitter.  But I can’t, so to crazy town I go.  I think I may have caught the express train.

I haven’t seen Jack in quite some time.  His family was amazing to me for the time I was involved with their lives.  Especially his sister-in-law.  I needed to create boundaries for myself to help get over this heartbreak of mine, but I felt so guilty for just crossing the SIL out of my life.  But I also knew it was necessary.  So, I sat and wrote her an email.  I thanked her for being amazing to me, told her that I needed to be able to move on, etc.  I thought it was a very nicely worded letter.  Of course, she shared it with Jack’s brother, who shared it with Jack…

…who called me the next day.

I want to make this as short as possible, so I will just say that Jack didn’t appreciate my nice gesture.

I am so tired for feeling like I have to apologize for being…well…me.  So I stopped.  He said what he felt like I needed to say.  I stayed quiet.  He told me to not message anyone else in his family, and that was the end of the conversation (that got dragged out for forty minutes).  When Jack broke up with me, he blamed everything on himself.  It is safe to say that all of the blame has shifted on to me.  How long before it shifts back?!?

Jack sent me a text the next day, telling me to have a god day.  Umm…what??

The other man driving me crazy is M.  He keeps asking me for a date.  Just one date, Kathrynn.  Just one.  And afterwards, if you want me to leave you alone, I will.  I still haven’t said yes.  It isn’t news to anyone that I have always had a soft spot for M.  Even with the bullshit we have been through, I have a soft spot.  And I hate that I do.  This is one man that can really hurt me, and I have been hurt enough.

So I haven’t said yes.  I’m a little concerned, however, that I haven’t said no.

But, I am digging this ME time.  And it doesn’t hurt that I had some more Steve time!

They Always Come Back

And no I am not referring to Jack.  Although I am sure that will happen when I have fully moved on.

Readers from my last blog will remember ‘M’.  For those who don’t know who he is, let me see if I can give you a quick breakdown:

• M and I were introduced by a mutual friend 3-4 years ago.  Back when I had no interest in having a boyfriend, but I had a huge interest in fucking around and having fun.
• M and I had a thing on and off for about two years.  Neither of us were committed to each other, and it worked out well for the both of us, until he got engaged (At that point I didn’t even know he had a girlfriend)
• A year and a half ago, he called and said he and his fiancée were taking a break, and he wanted to give us one more chance to see if there was something there.  I always had a soft spot in my heart for him, so I agreed.  I was fully aware, however, of his penchant for lying.  So I assumed he was still actually with his fiancée.
• In a six-week period, I only saw him three times.  So I didn’t worry about M anymore.  I did what I wanted to do.
• M eventually called and ‘officially’ broke things off between us.
• M married his fiancée this spring.  The weekend prior, he called me multiple times wanting to sleep with me, see me, lay with me.  You name it, he asked for it.  I finally had to threaten police involvement to get him to leave me alone.

That was the last time I spoke to him.  Until last night.

M found out I was single.  I told him to leave me alone, that we have no business communicating with each other.  Over the course of the next few hours, he wove a tale in hopes that I would open myself back up to him.  Since I am fond of these indented bullets, I will use that as my artist’s medium:

• M stated he was getting a divorce-after six months of marriage.
• He can’t stop thinking about me.
• His happiest days were spent sitting on my couch, watching TV.
• He has made horrible decisions since he has met me.
• He loves me.
• He believes he can be faithful to me.
• He wants to give us a chance.  Again.
• He wants to move slow and do things THE RIGHT WAY.
• He won’t ask for sex.
• He has been unhappy since I haven’t been in his life.
• I’ll be first in his life.
• Etc.  Etc.  Etc.

You get the point.  He said everything that he believed what I wanted to hear.  As I was listening to all of this, it’s what he didn’t say that spoke loud and clear.  He never asked how I have been doing the last six months.  He didn’t ask how I felt.  He didn’t ask what I wanted.  In fact, all M talked about was M.  I was so important to him that I didn’t deserve any mention what-so-ever.

Then a few minutes later, he talked about how he was helping some chick move this morning in exchange for a BJ, and could he come sit down and talk with me afterwards?

I mean…just…WOW.

I informed M that he is an incredibly selfish human being.  I said I deserved someone way better than he.  And how dare he attempt to talk about the status, or lack thereof, of a relationship after having some other woman’s tongue on his dick.  M asked if that means we are done.  I told him we never had anything started, so go have fun getting his pole shined.

The nerve.

I hate how they always come back.  And I guarantee I will hear from this one again.

Getting Back To Me

 

Isn’t that the truth.

After everything that happened, I haven’t shed tears since Wednesday-the day Jack stood me up.  I decided then and there that he wasn’t worth one more drop.

I saw him the other day, he dropped off the rest of my clothes.  He looked miserable.  Jack said he still doesn’t know what he wants, but he misses me.  My response?  A ‘too damn bad’, and ‘the best thing you did for me was break us off’.  The look on his face?  Priceless.

I wasn’t telling him those things to be mean-I honestly mean it.  Because I was so focused on him and his kids, I forgot about me.  And sometimes I think, as women, we need a jolt to get us moving again.  At least I do.

So after the tears, after I nursed the heartache, I indeed got moving.

1. I’ve decided to not date again until at least the New Year.  It’s ME time.

2. I finally decided to register for grad school.

Yours truly is going to grad school for Women’s Studies.

I’m about to do some amazing shit.  And it is all courtesy of Jack being a douche-dumpster.  (And because I am amazing-duh)  Let’s give him a round of applause, everyone!!

 

Confession Time

A couple of days after the break-up of Jack and I, I received a phone call from him, asking to meet for a drink.

Let’s just talk.

I stupidly agreed to it.  We made plans to meet last night.  Jack told me how he couldn’t wait to see me, etc etc.

All week I had planned to cancel.  There was no point in me blogging about the phone call, because I wasn’t going.  It would do nothing but cause further heart ache.

My mom, of all people, is the one who talked me into going.  My mom is a firm believer of leave well enough alone.  She originally told me to never speak to Jack again.  So she completely threw me for a loop when she told me to go.

She said she has never heard me so upset, so heartbroken, as I have been with Jack.  I’ve only cried over one other guy, and the next day I was fine.  I’m a pretty strong chick.  But even I can admit to myself that I have been paralyzed with grief over the end of my relationship.  I can honestly say it has been the first time I have truly loved.

So I took my mom’s advice.  I got dressed in jeans, boots with a 5 inch heel, and a sweater (with a scarf with skulls on it.  It’s my favorite!).  I did my hair.  I put on make-up.  And I went.

And I sat and waited for twenty minutes.

I ordered a beer, alone.  I drank my beer, alone.  I left.  Alone.

When I got home, I sent this text:

Since I didn’t see you tonight, please come by and get the rest of your stuff.  And bring mine when you do.

Response:

Probably tomorrow?  How have u been?  How are (your kids?)

E-fucking-scuse me?

I gotta be honest.  I got dressed, did my hair and makeup, drove to (bar) and waited for you for twenty minutes.  I’m not really in the mood for small talk.  My kids are great, thanks for asking.

His response:

I honestly don’t know what u are talking about?  What plans?  I haven’t seen or talked to u in a week and a half.

I never answered.

This is not the first time Jack has made plans with me and forgot.  Not by a long shot.  He occasionally smokes pot-and when he does, he can’t remember conversations.  (I don’t smoke, but have no issue with people that do)

One prominent time was when he made plans for my birthday.  I got dressed, ready to go, and he never showed to pick me up.  He was high the night before, and didn’t remember making plans.  Another time we were to go away for the day.  However, he was high when he said it, and then didn’t remember.  It has happened a number of times.  And I put up with it-STUPID.

I can tell when someone is completely baked, but he wasn’t any of those times.  Nor did he seem like it on the phone last week.

Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice (or more), shame on me.

HUGE lesson learned.