So on my last post I self-admitted that I have been isolating myself. I’m not proud of that fact, but it is what it is. Well, Molly had had enough with my pouting and downtrodden-ness.
So she set me up on a date.
When I told her that I had no desire to go on a date until the new year, she shushed me. She actually fucking shushed me. She explained that I need to get out of the house, realize that their are other guys except Jack. She said this was a no pressure affair-all I was required to do was have a drink.
So I went. Did I look great? Not really. She must’ve warned him, because he showed up in jeans, a shirt, and a ball cap. He introduced himself, we had a seat, ordered beer, and started talking. And laughing.
Before I knew it, chairs were being flipped on top of tables. We had talked for FIVE HOURS.
I felt no spark. He is an attractive guy, has a great job, can take care of himself twelve times over. Maybe I wasn’t receptive to feeling a spark. Maybe I just made an awesome new friend.
We have texted a few times today, and he has mentioned he wants to see me again.
It could be a lot of fun.
For once I can say I have nothing totally new to report! I have been getting everything together for grad school. Cleaning my house. Going through old recipes. I have been pretty boring!
M has texted a few times, but I have ignored him. I think he may have gotten the hint.
I saw Jack the other day because my car wouldn’t start. I went though my contacts, and he was the only one that answered. He drove to where I was, helped me get everything taken care of, and followed me home to make sure I was safe. After all of that, I invited him in for a drink.
We talked a little bit, and he said he has been a little miserable since our break-up. I reiterated that our break-up was the best thing that has happened to my professional life. We then made some small talk. I walked him out to his car, gave him a hug, and he gave me a kiss on the cheek.
I will be honest, I wanted to tackle him, rip his clothes off, and use him until I was finished. I know he wanted the same thing. But I just can’t. I love him, and I don’t want the emotions back.
Funny enough, Steve texted later in the day and asked to see me. I turned him down. I am not sure why-but I did.
Me time.
And is it just me, or is she totally hot dressed as the boxer??
Jack and I had several discussions about moving in together. More than several-it was an almost daily occurence. There was a part of me that was all for it. But there was a big part of me that was holding back-and this was when things were going well.
I have realized that it is going to take someone extremely amazing to make me give up my personal space. Even though I spent a majority of my time at Jack’s, I loved knowing that I had a place to go when I was angry, frustrated, needed alone time, etc. I NEEDED that knowledge. As much as I loved him, I wasn’t sure I was ready to give that up. EVER.
I never had an escape when I was married. I have no family in the area. Work was my only escape. I was fortunate enough to work 24-hour shifts, so it was a decent length of time away. But the knowledge that I had to go home to my ex was so stressful, my hair started falling out. Running into fires? No problem. Baby not breathing? I could handle that. My ex-husband? Sheer terror.
I have a fear that I will fall back into abuse. The statistics show that if a woman is abused once, she has a greater chance of being abused once more. I don’t want to be a statistic.
Therefore, I really have this need to have my safe place. Is that something I will ever get over? I highly doubt it. Maybe with extensive therapy. Maybe.
After being married, I always think the other shoe is about to drop. I haven’t been proven wrong yet-I am a very upbeat person who generally looks on the bright side-but I am always very cautious. I am sure that comes across in my mannerisms. But there are things I bring into a relationship, and a crazy ex-husband is one of those things.
I can’t have someone invading my personal space without asking permission. A man just can’t hug me without letting me know. If I get into an argument with someone, they can’t step within three feet of me or I react. I also have to be standing in an area of the room where I can escape.
But you know where I feel safe? My home. I very rarely have visitors. It’s mine.
I continue to go to support groups, and that has helped a great deal. I’ve been going for three years. I did individual therapy. And every person has told me that having my safe place is normal, and OK.
So I’m keeping it.
If I ever do meet that amazing person, we will go to therapy together to see if I can overcome it. And I am not sure many men would be willing to do that
This video gives me the chills every time I watch it. Hell, the song gives me chills. It irritates the piss out of me when girls these days think that their man’s jealousy is the same thing as love. Let me tell you-IT’S NOT. I’ve actually heard women say ‘He hits me because he loves me’. NO. If a man loves you, he will let you be yourself. NONE of this equals love.
After everything that happened, I haven’t shed tears since Wednesday-the day Jack stood me up. I decided then and there that he wasn’t worth one more drop.
I saw him the other day, he dropped off the rest of my clothes. He looked miserable. Jack said he still doesn’t know what he wants, but he misses me. My response? A ‘too damn bad’, and ‘the best thing you did for me was break us off’. The look on his face? Priceless.
I wasn’t telling him those things to be mean-I honestly mean it. Because I was so focused on him and his kids, I forgot about me. And sometimes I think, as women, we need a jolt to get us moving again. At least I do.
So after the tears, after I nursed the heartache, I indeed got moving.
1. I’ve decided to not date again until at least the New Year. It’s ME time.
2. I finally decided to register for grad school.
Yours truly is going to grad school for Women’s Studies.
I’m about to do some amazing shit. And it is all courtesy of Jack being a douche-dumpster. (And because I am amazing-duh) Let’s give him a round of applause, everyone!!
A couple of days after the break-up of Jack and I, I received a phone call from him, asking to meet for a drink.
Let’s just talk.
I stupidly agreed to it. We made plans to meet last night. Jack told me how he couldn’t wait to see me, etc etc.
All week I had planned to cancel. There was no point in me blogging about the phone call, because I wasn’t going. It would do nothing but cause further heart ache.
My mom, of all people, is the one who talked me into going. My mom is a firm believer of leave well enough alone. She originally told me to never speak to Jack again. So she completely threw me for a loop when she told me to go.
She said she has never heard me so upset, so heartbroken, as I have been with Jack. I’ve only cried over one other guy, and the next day I was fine. I’m a pretty strong chick. But even I can admit to myself that I have been paralyzed with grief over the end of my relationship. I can honestly say it has been the first time I have truly loved.
So I took my mom’s advice. I got dressed in jeans, boots with a 5 inch heel, and a sweater (with a scarf with skulls on it. It’s my favorite!). I did my hair. I put on make-up. And I went.
And I sat and waited for twenty minutes.
I ordered a beer, alone. I drank my beer, alone. I left. Alone.
When I got home, I sent this text:
Since I didn’t see you tonight, please come by and get the rest of your stuff. And bring mine when you do.
Response:
Probably tomorrow? How have u been? How are (your kids?)
E-fucking-scuse me?
I gotta be honest. I got dressed, did my hair and makeup, drove to (bar) and waited for you for twenty minutes. I’m not really in the mood for small talk. My kids are great, thanks for asking.
His response:
I honestly don’t know what u are talking about? What plans? I haven’t seen or talked to u in a week and a half.
I never answered.
This is not the first time Jack has made plans with me and forgot. Not by a long shot. He occasionally smokes pot-and when he does, he can’t remember conversations. (I don’t smoke, but have no issue with people that do)
One prominent time was when he made plans for my birthday. I got dressed, ready to go, and he never showed to pick me up. He was high the night before, and didn’t remember making plans. Another time we were to go away for the day. However, he was high when he said it, and then didn’t remember. It has happened a number of times. And I put up with it-STUPID.
I can tell when someone is completely baked, but he wasn’t any of those times. Nor did he seem like it on the phone last week.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice (or more), shame on me.
People who were readers of my last blog already know this-
I am a victim of domestic abuse.
My marriage was not good. Not good at all. There was so many components of abuse, and one day I may share some stories. But not right now.
I finally left my husband after 11 years together. It was not easy to leave, as I had no family close by. But I did it. I have struggled immensely with so many issues. I lived through paralyzing fears, nightmares, false accusations. There are days that I have to watch over my shoulder, based on recent actions of my ex. I still go to therapy and group therapy sessions to overcome these fears. A group to learn how to be in a loving, trusting relationship. I thankfully have a great support group to address all these matters.
My ex is getting remarried-to someone who has been made fully aware of his history of abuse. And she has young kids, girls. WHY?? If I found out that someone I was dating hit his ex-wife/girlfriend/whatever, we would no longer be dating. Maybe she thinks she can reform him? Bad boy persona? Believes that women are inferior to men?
I thought that with him getting married, he would finally leave me alone. Unfortunately, he has gotten worse.
And he played a part in the break-up of Jack and I. I just didn’t admit it to you until now.
While Jack and I were in ‘hiatus’, I found out that the ex and his bitch were watching Jack’s house. Which means they were watching Jack’s children. Children that I love.
My ex took great pleasure in telling me Jack was cheating on me. When I asked him to explain, he said they have seen a blonde woman leaving his house in the morning.
Caught.
That blonde is his adult daughter. And she never leaves for work at the same time each day. So they were literally sitting somewhere near his house, watching. Taking notes. Observing the motions and make-up of Jack’s residence. What was he expecting to learn? I still don’t know.
As heartbroken as I was through the break-up talk, I knew we were going to have to take a break anyways due to the recent developments. I don’t want my ex watching Jack and his kids. It makes me nervous, and it makes Jack uncomfortable. And he has every right to be uncomfortable.
I informed the ex’s lawyer about these developments. Of course it was denied, but the ex can’t take back the admission. I told him that there was no reason to watch the house anymore, and that Jack will call the police if he feels he is being watched.
The ex has played a part in several of my break-ups. It’s something that nobody wants to deal with. I think it will take someone who will want to marry me, and love me without limitations, to put up with my ex. That would take an incredibly strong person-and I am not sure he exists.
I also don’t think the ex will stop anytime soon. After all, it has been four years.
One of my favorite organizations is from Dr. Phil-End The Silence On Domestic Violence. I encourage you to click on the link, it will open on a new page.
Your song of the day. I found it INCREDIBLY EMPOWERING while I was going through everything.
It wasn’t until one of the freshmen girls in my youth group asked this question that I started to think about something bigger:
I need guidance on how to pick a better boyfriend, someone I can date.
That discussion lead to me telling her that you can’t be happy with someone else until you can be happy with yourself. I told her that she needs to be confident and secure, and be able to project confident and secure, to get the same from a partner.
I give good advice, right?
Later that day I was at home thinking about what I had said. I believe in what I said one hundred percent. Then I started thinking about myself.
I love the person I am. And I think I did project myself in a positive light. After all, things were great with Jack and I for a long time. But I also realize that throughout the course of us dating, I lost a little of myself.
I firmly believe that when we start dating a man, and we let him into almost every aspect of our lives, we do lose a little of ourselves. Intentionally and accidentally. And I think they lose a little of themselves as well.
For example:
I stopped putting make-up on and doing my hair every morning
I stopped wearing heals because it made me taller than him (all the heels I own are 4-5 inches tall, and I’m naturally 5’9)
I stopped with my sassy retorts and comebacks
I stopped telling dirty jokes, in case he didn’t find them funny
I stopped standing up for myself when I felt uncomfortable
I wasn’t seeing girlfriends as much
Pretty interesting list, huh? I’m sure Jack could make a list like this, too. I guarantee it.
I think some of this happens as a result of compromise throughout the course of a normal relationship. But does it need to happen? Should it happen? If me telling an off-color joke makes a man uncomfortable, should I stop or should he go? Is it right to expect a significant other to cut back on spending time with friends just because you happened to fall into his/her life? Should a woman grow her hair out just because a man prefers longer hair? Should she stop wearing heels because he is insecure about his height?
Looking back, I found that a lot of things happened so gradually, that I didn’t notice them. I wanted to spend more time with him. I wanted him to be comfortable in my presence. I wanted US to be happy.
Hindsight is always twenty/twenty. I’m always hard on myself-why did I give up parts of me? Parts of me that made me the sassy and fabulous chick I am?
I can sit here and say, “Next time, I’m not giving those things up.” But will I?
Are we destined to lose a bit of ourselves anytime we let someone into our lives?
Steve came over last night. As usual, he was phenomenal.
As soon as he walked in my door and sat on my couch, I jumped him. Literally grabbed his face in my hands and straddled him. I was all about the want, the need, of getting laid. I didn’t even say ‘hello’. Something about those younger men. If you haven’t experienced it, I highly recommend it. But I still think my sex drive is higher than his…
After I had the female version of getting my pipes cleaned (what the hell would you call it? A uterus cleansing?), I laid in bed and thought of what I would like my next relationship to be like. We all know what we don’t want. I have a list 12 miles long. But what is the one thing I do want?
I want the ending of an 80’s movie.
I want the guy that brings me a cake because no one remembers my birthday. I want the guy willing to stand outside my window holding up a twenty-pound boombox, just to see me smile. I want to sit on a table cross-legged with a crush. I want some guy to pump his fist in the air after he gets his first kiss from me. (OK, so Jack got me a birthday cake this year, and it honestly made me cry-I’m forgotten a lot)
Would I take John and Andrew? Absolutely. But I would also take a reincarnation.
I’m not picky.
Fun fact-One John Hughes movie was filmed at my high school. The more you know…
And any other ‘I’m gonna be fucking great‘ without you songs. If you have a suggestion, let me know!
Last night we made the breakup ‘official’. As in I went over to get my things and we had a talk. I had to check myself a few times, because I had the need to convince him that we could get through this. I think that’s just the woman in me who will always have love for him. I have the relationship ideals that we can overcome. I spent almost a year with this man. I felt safe with him, to the point where I shared my past, hopes, and fears. Of course I don’t want to let him go.
We really fell away from taking care of us. We didn’t go away and keep the love alive. At some point I went from being a girlfriend to a wife, and that is not where I wanted to be. And that’s not what he wanted, either. I still feel like that if it were possible to go back to the very beginning, if we could just start over, we could do it. But I don’t think that is possible. He has so much going on in his life right now, I am not worth fighting for at this point in time.
So it’s all done and over with. And I have to learn how to be single again. And after all of the crying and wishing and hoping…I’m looking forward to it.
All the new adventures.
Am I going to have bad days? Yes. Are there days I am going to wish Jack was still in the picture? Absolutely. However, I know I will get over it.
Here is what I learned about myself throughout all of this:
I just can’t do that whole domesticated role of cooking and cleaning. That’s just not me.
I will never do something for someone unless they specifically ask for it.
I will be more cautious with my heart from now on.
I stopped wearing heels and putting on makeup-I kind of lost me during this relationship.
I found that I was slipping into some old habits from my marriage-not sharing something that I thought would make him mad, doing things for him when he was mad/angry to placate the situation. Dangerous, dangerous habits I picked up in my abusive marriage.
So let’s all raise our glasses and say goodbye to Jack-and hello to single Kathrynn!
Second Chance At ME 