Update On Us

So that last post was supposed to go out yesterday morning, but apparently I closed my laptop too fast.  It didn’t go through until today.

Today is a different day.

I was supposed to go see Jack last night when he finished running some errands.  I thought the night before we had worked out some of our issues.

Apparently not.

Last night he cancelled on me, saying he was tired and just wanted to sleep.  I started to get that weird feeling in my chest, but I let it go.  This afternoon I called to confirm that we were still on for this wedding, and he started saying things that make me believe we are about to break up.

Financially, we have both been struggling lately.  But I wanted to go away with him this weekend SO BAD, that I moved a bunch of stuff around to make it happen.  Was it a smart decision on my part?  Nope.  But that is how badly I wanted it.

In a nutshell, he said that it was a bad idea, that he can’t go and enjoy himself if we are both stressing about money.  I had to agree it isn’t the best financial decision.  I told him that I just really wanted this time with him.  That’s when he started in about how something isn’t right between us, going away isn’t the answer, and you get the idea.  I sat in stunned silence while he told me that I have been negative the last few weeks (can’t deny…I’m pretty stressed) and how he just doesn’t want to hear me complain anymore.

All I could do was sit,listen, and agree.  He didn’t say anything that wasn’t true.  I asked him if he was giving up on me just because I am going through a rough time.  He didn’t answer.  He said he would call me when he gets home, and maybe we can talk some more tonight.

I know things have been off with us for a while.  Not a long while, but a while.  He has been resenting the things I do around his house or with his kids.  I can feel that.  He isn’t as loving.

I firmly believe, that with level heads and direct communication, we can get passed this.  But Jack isn’t a communicator.

I don’t know how to fix it.  Or if I even should.  I guess we will see what happens tonight.

Our Problems

As much as I love Jack, and I do so very much, we definitely have our problems.  In fact, we are having one right now.  A big one.  And it is going to take some time to get over it.

When I met Jack, it took me a long time to start doing things for him.  I have been in a couple of relationships where I would do so much for some people, I have would up being used and taken advantage of.  So for quite a long time, I never even volunteered to help.  As time passed, i started doing little things for him.  Jack works amazingly long hours, and I saw that he could definitely benefit from some help.So I started to do more.  And more.  And more.  Before I knew it, I was driving his kids to their respective sports practices and games.  I was cooking dinner for them several nights a week.  I was doing laundry and dishes.  And two nights ago, I was doing all of this while everyone else was sitting on their asses playing video games.

Jack has told me repeatedly that it makes him uncomfortable that I do so much around his house, but I could tell he needed the help.  I backed off a few times, but he would get so far behind that I couldn’t take it.  I’d clean up again.  And I don’t even live there.

Well, the night everyone was sitting on the couch, I had had it.  I stopped what I was doing and went upstairs to bed.  The next day (yesterday), Jack was in a pissy mood, and I steered clear.  I stay at his house on Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday nights so I can help him get his kids ready in the morning and off to school.  So to steer clear, I went upstairs and watched TV.  I didn’t want to get drawn into a fight.  When Jack is in a pissy mood, he is like a prepubescent boy.  It is maddingly frustrating because he just won’t fucking talk it out.  When he was ready to go to bed, he laid down and turned his back to me

I barely slept last night, which is a recipe for disaster.  I drove one of his kids to school early, and went back to his house.  Jack must have realized my frustration, because he told me that he appreciated everything that I do.  I thanked him, grabbed the rest of my stuff, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and turned to leave for home.  Apparently that was the wrong thing to do.  He threw the shoes he was holding against the wall.  I asked if that was meant for me, and he told me to ‘just leave’.  

I made it to my car before I started crying (no sleep=a very emotional Kathrynn).  While I was sobbing my fool head off, he got into his car and drove away.

Jack called a little bit ago, and was very short with me.  We are supposed to go to a wedding out of state this weekend, and he is blaming his anger and frustration on that wedding, that it costs money and neither of us can totally afford it.  Then he started in on how I do everything around his house and it bothers him.  When I asked him what exactly bothers him, he said he has to go.

So I still have no answers.  But I feel taken advantage of.  And used.  And very much alone for this wedding.