My PSA for the Month

It’s Domestic Abuse Awareness Month.

People who were readers of my last blog already know this-

I am a victim of domestic abuse.

My marriage was not good.  Not good at all.  There was so many components of abuse, and one day I may share some stories.  But not right now.

I finally left my husband after 11 years together.  It was not easy to leave, as I had no family close by.  But I did it.  I have struggled immensely with so many issues.  I lived through paralyzing fears, nightmares, false accusations.  There are days that I have to watch over my shoulder, based on recent actions of my ex.  I still go to therapy and group therapy sessions to overcome these fears.  A group to learn how to be in a loving, trusting relationship.  I thankfully have a great support group to address all these matters.

My ex is getting remarried-to someone who has been made fully aware of his history of abuse.  And she has young kids, girls.  WHY??  If I found out that someone I was dating hit his ex-wife/girlfriend/whatever, we would no longer be dating.  Maybe she thinks she can reform him?  Bad boy persona? Believes that women are inferior to men?

I thought that with him getting married, he would finally leave me alone.  Unfortunately, he has gotten worse.

And he played a part in the break-up of Jack and I.  I just didn’t admit it to you until now.

While Jack and I were in ‘hiatus’, I found out that the ex and his bitch were watching Jack’s house.  Which means they were watching Jack’s children.  Children that I love.

My ex took great pleasure in telling me Jack was cheating on me.  When I asked him to explain, he said they have seen a blonde woman leaving his house in the morning.

Caught.

That blonde is his adult daughter.  And she never leaves for work at the same time each day.  So they were literally sitting somewhere near his house, watching.  Taking notes.  Observing the motions and make-up of Jack’s residence.  What was he expecting to learn?  I still don’t know.

As heartbroken as I was through the break-up talk, I knew we were going to have to take a break anyways due to the recent developments.  I don’t want my ex watching Jack and his kids.  It makes me nervous, and it makes Jack uncomfortable.  And he has every right to be uncomfortable.

I informed the ex’s lawyer about these developments.  Of course it was denied, but the ex can’t take back the admission.  I told him that there was no reason to watch the house anymore, and that Jack will call the police if he feels he is being watched.

The ex has played a part in several of my break-ups.  It’s something that nobody wants to deal with.  I think it will take someone who will want to marry me, and love me without limitations, to put up with my ex.  That would take an incredibly strong person-and I am not sure he exists.

I also don’t think the ex will stop anytime soon.  After all, it has been four years.

One of my favorite organizations is from Dr. Phil-End The Silence On Domestic Violence.   I encourage you to click on the link, it will open on a new page.

Your song of the day.  I found it INCREDIBLY EMPOWERING while I was going through everything.

A Little Bit Of Me

It wasn’t until one of the freshmen girls in my youth group asked this question that I started to think about something bigger:

I need guidance on how to pick a better boyfriend, someone I can date.

That discussion lead to me telling her that you can’t be happy with someone else until you can be happy with yourself.  I told her that she needs to be confident and secure, and be able to project confident and secure, to get the same from a partner.

I give good advice, right?

Later that day I was at home thinking about what I had said.  I believe in what I said one hundred percent.  Then I started thinking about myself.

I love the person I am.  And I think I did project myself in a positive light.  After all, things were great with Jack and I for a long time.  But I also realize that throughout the course of us dating, I lost a little of myself.

I firmly believe that when we start dating a man, and we let him into almost every aspect of our lives, we do lose a little of ourselves.  Intentionally and accidentally.  And I think they lose a little of themselves as well.

For example:

• I stopped putting make-up on and doing my hair every morning
• I stopped wearing heals because it made me taller than him (all the heels I own are 4-5 inches tall, and I’m naturally 5’9)
• I stopped with my sassy retorts and comebacks
• I stopped telling dirty jokes, in case he didn’t find them funny
• I stopped standing up for myself when I felt uncomfortable
• I wasn’t seeing girlfriends as much

Pretty interesting list, huh?  I’m sure Jack could make a list like this, too.  I guarantee it.

I think some of this happens as a result of compromise throughout the course of a normal relationship.  But does it need to happen?  Should it happen?  If me telling an off-color joke makes a man uncomfortable, should I stop or should he go?  Is it right to expect a significant other to cut back on spending time with friends just because you happened to fall into his/her life?  Should a woman grow her hair out just because a man prefers longer hair?  Should she stop wearing heels because he is insecure about his height?

Looking back, I found that a lot of things happened so gradually, that I didn’t notice them.  I wanted to spend more time with him.  I wanted him to be comfortable in my presence.  I wanted US to be happy.

Hindsight is always twenty/twenty.  I’m always hard on myself-why did I give up parts of me?  Parts of me that made me the sassy and fabulous chick I am?

I can sit here and say, “Next time, I’m not giving those things up.”  But will I?

Are we destined to lose a bit of ourselves anytime we let someone into our lives?

And, my healing song of the day:

Letting Go Of Jack Part Deux

I feel like this:

Or this without the cheating part:

And any other ‘I’m gonna be fucking great‘ without you songs.  If you have a suggestion, let me know!

Last night we made the breakup ‘official’.  As in I went over to get my things and we had a talk.  I had to check myself a few times, because I had the need to convince him that we could get through this.  I think that’s just the woman in me who will always have love for him.  I have the relationship ideals that we can overcome.  I spent almost a year with this man.  I felt safe with him, to the point where I shared my past, hopes, and fears.  Of course I don’t want to let him go.

We really fell away from taking care of us.  We didn’t go away and keep the love alive.  At some point I went from being a girlfriend to a wife, and that is not where I wanted to be.  And that’s not what he wanted, either.  I still feel like that if it were possible to go back to the very beginning, if we could just start over, we could do it.  But I don’t think that is possible.  He has so much going on in his life right now, I am not worth fighting for at this point in time.

So it’s all done and over with.  And I have to learn how to be single again.  And after all of the crying and wishing and hoping…I’m looking forward to it.

All the new adventures.

Am I going to have bad days?  Yes.  Are there days I am going to wish Jack was still in the picture?  Absolutely.  However, I know I will get over it.

Here is what I learned about myself throughout all of this:

• I just can’t do that whole domesticated role of cooking and cleaning.  That’s just not me.
• I will never do something for someone unless they specifically ask for it.
• I will be more cautious with my heart from now on.
• I stopped wearing heels and putting on makeup-I kind of lost me during this relationship.
• I found that I was slipping into some old habits from my marriage-not sharing something that I thought would make him mad, doing things for him when he was mad/angry to placate the situation.  Dangerous, dangerous habits I picked up in my abusive marriage.

So let’s all raise our glasses and say goodbye to Jack-and hello to single Kathrynn!

 

 

The ‘Talk’

It did not go well.

Instead of blogging about it at this point in time, I am going to go for a fall drive to my favorite charming, little town.  And I am going to reconnect with me.

And then I will tell you how it went.

Ciao,

Kathrynn