My Safe Place

Jack and I had several discussions about moving in together.  More than several-it was an almost daily occurence.  There was a part of me that was all for it.  But there was a big part of me that was holding back-and this was when things were going well.

I have realized that it is going to take someone extremely amazing to make me give up my personal space.  Even though I spent a majority of my time at Jack’s, I loved knowing that I had a place to go when I was angry, frustrated, needed alone time, etc.  I NEEDED that knowledge.  As much as I loved him, I wasn’t sure I was ready to give that up.  EVER.

I never had an escape when I was married.  I have no family in the area.  Work was my only escape.  I was fortunate enough to work 24-hour shifts, so it was a decent length of time away.  But the knowledge that I had to go home to my ex was so stressful, my hair started falling out.  Running into fires?  No problem.  Baby not breathing?  I could handle that.  My ex-husband?  Sheer terror.

I have a fear that I will fall back into abuse.  The statistics show that if a woman is abused once, she has a greater chance of being abused once more.  I don’t want to be a statistic.

Therefore, I really have this need to have my safe place.  Is that something I will ever get over?  I highly doubt it.  Maybe with extensive therapy.  Maybe.

After being married, I always think the other shoe is about to drop.  I haven’t been proven wrong yet-I am a very upbeat person who generally looks on the bright side-but I am always very cautious.  I am sure that comes across in my mannerisms.  But there are things I bring into a relationship, and a crazy ex-husband is one of those things.

I can’t have someone invading my personal space without asking permission.  A man just can’t hug me without letting me know.  If I get into an argument with someone, they can’t step within three feet of me or I react.  I also have to be standing in an area of the room where I can escape.

But you know where I feel safe?  My home.  I very rarely have visitors.  It’s mine.

I continue to go to support groups, and that has helped a great deal.  I’ve been going for three years.  I did individual therapy.  And every person has told me that having my safe place is normal, and OK.

So I’m keeping it.

If I ever do meet that amazing person, we will go to therapy together to see if I can overcome it.  And I am not sure many men would be willing to do that

This video gives me the chills every time I watch it.  Hell, the song gives me chills.  It irritates the piss out of me when girls these days think that their man’s jealousy is the same thing as love.  Let me tell you-IT’S NOT.  I’ve actually heard women say ‘He hits me because he loves me’.  NO.  If a man loves you, he will let you be yourself.  NONE of this equals love.