Andrew McCarthy and John Cusack, Please

Steve came over last night.  As usual, he was phenomenal.

As soon as he walked in my door and sat on my couch, I jumped him.  Literally grabbed his face in my hands and straddled him.  I was all about the want, the need, of getting laid.  I didn’t even say ‘hello’.  Something about those younger men.  If you haven’t experienced it, I highly recommend it.  But I still think my sex drive is higher than his…

After I had the female version of getting my pipes cleaned (what the hell would you call it?  A uterus cleansing?), I laid in bed and thought of what I would like my next relationship to be like.  We all know what we don’t want.  I have a list 12 miles long.  But what is the one thing I do want?

I want the ending of an 80’s movie.

I want the guy that brings me a cake because no one remembers my birthday.  I want the guy willing to stand outside my window holding up a twenty-pound boombox, just to see me smile.  I want to sit on a table cross-legged with a crush.  I want some guy to pump his fist in the air after he gets his first kiss from me.  (OK, so Jack got me a birthday cake this year, and it honestly made me cry-I’m forgotten a lot)

Would I take John and Andrew?  Absolutely.  But I would also take a reincarnation.

I’m not picky.

Fun fact-One John Hughes movie was filmed at my high school.  The more you know…

Letting Go Of Jack Part Deux

I feel like this:

Or this without the cheating part:

And any other ‘I’m gonna be fucking great‘ without you songs.  If you have a suggestion, let me know!

Last night we made the breakup ‘official’.  As in I went over to get my things and we had a talk.  I had to check myself a few times, because I had the need to convince him that we could get through this.  I think that’s just the woman in me who will always have love for him.  I have the relationship ideals that we can overcome.  I spent almost a year with this man.  I felt safe with him, to the point where I shared my past, hopes, and fears.  Of course I don’t want to let him go.

We really fell away from taking care of us.  We didn’t go away and keep the love alive.  At some point I went from being a girlfriend to a wife, and that is not where I wanted to be.  And that’s not what he wanted, either.  I still feel like that if it were possible to go back to the very beginning, if we could just start over, we could do it.  But I don’t think that is possible.  He has so much going on in his life right now, I am not worth fighting for at this point in time.

So it’s all done and over with.  And I have to learn how to be single again.  And after all of the crying and wishing and hoping…I’m looking forward to it.

All the new adventures.

Am I going to have bad days?  Yes.  Are there days I am going to wish Jack was still in the picture?  Absolutely.  However, I know I will get over it.

Here is what I learned about myself throughout all of this:

• I just can’t do that whole domesticated role of cooking and cleaning.  That’s just not me.
• I will never do something for someone unless they specifically ask for it.
• I will be more cautious with my heart from now on.
• I stopped wearing heels and putting on makeup-I kind of lost me during this relationship.
• I found that I was slipping into some old habits from my marriage-not sharing something that I thought would make him mad, doing things for him when he was mad/angry to placate the situation.  Dangerous, dangerous habits I picked up in my abusive marriage.

So let’s all raise our glasses and say goodbye to Jack-and hello to single Kathrynn!

 

 

Blast From The Past

Readers from my last blog will remember this guy:

*le sigh*

This picture only signals one person-and we will refer to him as Steve.  Of course, that is a character from Third Watch, but they look similar.

Instead of writing pages about our history together, I will just highlight the points you need to know.

• We worked together for several years, several years ago.
• I was his preceptor for the above picture’s career.
• He is eight years younger than me (yes…everything is legal!).
• Almost two years ago we began a six-month long affair.  Both of us were single, we enjoyed each other’s company, but their was no expectations.  That one was my doing.  I didn’t want anything more then what it was.
• I ended our affair when I started looking too forward to his visits.
• Steve kept in contact while I was dating Jack.  Several times to tell me he missed what we had.

Feel all caught up?  We weren’t working together anymore when we started our affair.  And to be honest, I can’t even tell you how it specifically started.  He ask me, I asked him, we were drunk and it happened…I’d have to go back and read the blog entry.  Anyways, we have history.

Well, it’s like my ‘probably single’ status left a scent in the air.  Wouldn’t you know it, the day after Jack started the ‘I may not be ready for a relationship’ talk, Steve texted.

Kathrynn!  I’m in your area.  How ’bout I pick up beers and come over?

I looked at the text for a few minutes, then figured what the hell.  I hadn’t seen him in a month or so.  He showed up a short time later, and it was exactly what I needed.  He stayed for about five hours.  We talked about everything but Jack and had a few beers.  He finally asked what happened, and I told him what I knew.

You don’t deserve that, Kathrynn.  You are an amazing woman, and that should never be held against you.

I smiled, and thanked him for the compliment.  And then he left.

Yesterday day he sent me a text asking to come over after the Bears/Cowboys game.  I’m not stupid, I know what he wanted.  I called my roommate Will, and asked his advice-I know you love Jack, but honey you need to snap out of it.  Let him come over, and fuck the shit out of you.  It’s alright, it’s just sex.  And I think you need it.  I texted my friend Molly-Hell yes say yes!  Jack made his choice,  and you need to take your mind off of it.

So I said yes.  And he did.  And we did.

And, as before, it was awesome.

I occasionally felt little pangs of guilt, but I brushed them off.  After all, I’m not the one that wanted time and space, maybe just to come back and start dating me over again.

I woke up this morning, and the sun was shining a little bit brighter.  Today is the first day I haven’t cried.  I ate a meal today.  Just one, but it’s a start.  Of course, Jack is occupying my mind, but I haven’t cried.  And Steve texted today and said we must do that again soon.  It made me smile.

I guess it is what I needed…

Recovery

So I moped.  And cried.  And cried a lot more.  I raged, screamed and yelled.

Now it’s time to deal with it, and move forward.

I need my moxie back.  And I need to start NOW.

What to do?  Cut and color my hair?  Get a new tattoo?  I have NO IDEA how to move forward.  Sad fact.

When my ex-husband and I split, I wasn’t sad.  How could I be?  I couldn’t wait to get out, start over, become a new me.  This time, my heart is broken, and I feel splintered.  This loss is so unbelievable, I feel like I may never get over it.  I couldn’t even drink, get trashed, and send texts I would later regret.  All I could do is watch reruns of the Real Housewives of New Jersey.  That’s it.

Today I showered, put on clothes, and ran some errands.  I finally ate half a meal.  Progress, at least.

And it’s definitely time to change this blog a bit…